Women Without Children: A Conscious Choice
Author:
Medical reviewer:
Medically Reviewed On: November 17, 2010
Published on: May 29, 2002
By Erica Heilman
Some women choose not to become mothers, and though their numbers are growing, they are still in the vast minority. In the third part of our three-part series on women without children, Dr. Mardy Ireland describes some of the stereotypes associated with women who choose not to become moms, and the challenges they face in defining an adult life without children.
What sorts of assumptions do you think our culture makes about women who actively choose not to become mothers?
There are some pretty standard stereotypes, like, "They don't like kids," or, "They don't have any maternal part of them," or, "They're too career-driven," or, "They're selfish." Things like that.
Probably the most damaging, and the least true is, "She chooses not to have a child because her family was so screwed up that she just can't get it together." The truth of the matter is that there are a lot of women who have children from very dysfunctional families who probably shouldn't, because they are not capable. There's a way in which the women in that category, who made the choice not to for reasons of family background, should really be applauded. They're saying, "Okay. This is a factor. I don't know if I want to spend 10 years in therapy to get to a place where I feel like I can handle all the demands of motherhood that I know are there." Instead of having some idealized fantasy about what being a mother means, they've considered it thoughtfully.
So you think people generally assume that there's an inherent generosity in choosing to have children?
Yes. And a capacity that is not necessarily there.
It seems that women who choose not to have children may suddenly find themselves cast in the role of 'pioneer'. Their choice may be politicized in a way that they're not comfortable with. Is this true?
Absolutely. Some of these women felt, "Hey, I'm just having my life. And all of a sudden I have to stand for all these other women."
Suddenly you're in a political position you never asked for...
Right. And in a sense that's what happened to me. But psychology and psychoanalysis is my field, so it was a good "working through" process for me to do the research and write the book. That was my mourning process -- that was the baby I had. If I can contribute in any small way to helping make a generative space out of what has been only characterized as absence or deficiency, that would make me feel wonderful.
Is regret a common theme among the women who chose not to have children?
For the women who made a choice not to have children, and have consolidated their identities around that choice, there is not a strong sense of regret.
Did the women you spoke with often feel that they had to justify their time or their lives in some way, because they were not raising children?
Yes. Definitely. And it was very poignant for me to learn how few women are not met with this feeling of needing to justify their lives. A small band of women who are white and highly educated and professional can perhaps justify it to the world. But a woman who has a job, but not some kind of high-powered job plans, and doesn't have kids and doesn't really want to -- she has a tougher time. Why does she have to be an extraordinary woman in these other terms in order to decide not to be a mother? That's where you can feel all these invisible pressures that are there all the time.
Dr. Mardy Ireland is a psychoanalyst/clinical psychologist with a practice in Berkeley, Ca. She is on the core faculty of the New College of California, and is the author of "Reconceiving Women: Separating Motherhood from Female Identity".
Some women choose not to become mothers, and though their numbers are growing, they are still in the vast minority. In the third part of our three-part series on women without children, Dr. Mardy Ireland describes some of the stereotypes associated with women who choose not to become moms, and the challenges they face in defining an adult life without children.
What sorts of assumptions do you think our culture makes about women who actively choose not to become mothers?
There are some pretty standard stereotypes, like, "They don't like kids," or, "They don't have any maternal part of them," or, "They're too career-driven," or, "They're selfish." Things like that.
Probably the most damaging, and the least true is, "She chooses not to have a child because her family was so screwed up that she just can't get it together." The truth of the matter is that there are a lot of women who have children from very dysfunctional families who probably shouldn't, because they are not capable. There's a way in which the women in that category, who made the choice not to for reasons of family background, should really be applauded. They're saying, "Okay. This is a factor. I don't know if I want to spend 10 years in therapy to get to a place where I feel like I can handle all the demands of motherhood that I know are there." Instead of having some idealized fantasy about what being a mother means, they've considered it thoughtfully.
So you think people generally assume that there's an inherent generosity in choosing to have children?
Yes. And a capacity that is not necessarily there.
It seems that women who choose not to have children may suddenly find themselves cast in the role of 'pioneer'. Their choice may be politicized in a way that they're not comfortable with. Is this true?
Absolutely. Some of these women felt, "Hey, I'm just having my life. And all of a sudden I have to stand for all these other women."
Suddenly you're in a political position you never asked for...
Right. And in a sense that's what happened to me. But psychology and psychoanalysis is my field, so it was a good "working through" process for me to do the research and write the book. That was my mourning process -- that was the baby I had. If I can contribute in any small way to helping make a generative space out of what has been only characterized as absence or deficiency, that would make me feel wonderful.
Is regret a common theme among the women who chose not to have children?
For the women who made a choice not to have children, and have consolidated their identities around that choice, there is not a strong sense of regret.
Did the women you spoke with often feel that they had to justify their time or their lives in some way, because they were not raising children?
Yes. Definitely. And it was very poignant for me to learn how few women are not met with this feeling of needing to justify their lives. A small band of women who are white and highly educated and professional can perhaps justify it to the world. But a woman who has a job, but not some kind of high-powered job plans, and doesn't have kids and doesn't really want to -- she has a tougher time. Why does she have to be an extraordinary woman in these other terms in order to decide not to be a mother? That's where you can feel all these invisible pressures that are there all the time.
Dr. Mardy Ireland is a psychoanalyst/clinical psychologist with a practice in Berkeley, Ca. She is on the core faculty of the New College of California, and is the author of "Reconceiving Women: Separating Motherhood from Female Identity".
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