5 (More) Lessons About Men I’ve Learned from Little Boys
By Paige Parker
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You could say it’s my job (as a dating coach) to try to understand men and, in the process, help YOU do the same…But, truth be told, it’s more of an obsession.
I can’t walk down the street without studying the way men walk; How they do a double-take when they notice an attractive woman.
I can’t watch an episode of reality TV (read: The Bachelor) without analyzing what motivates the contestants to make the decisions they make.
Here’s an example: Today I was in the grocery store and noticed an attractive guy wandering aimlessly down the aisle with a cart full of frozen dinners and I thought, This cute guy is so clearly single! I’m not interested; I’m married…But I wondered if I’ve trained you DWDers well enough to notice these clues yourself and seize the moment to ask him if he needs help finding anything. (Um, like your phone number?!?)
I pretty much eat, sleep, and breathe the psychology of men, women and relationships. And as you know, the other thing I’m eating, sleeping and breathing is being a full-time mom to two young boys (4 and 2). Maybe it’s because I love both of my jobs so much, but I often find myself taking lessons from one calling and applying them to the other.
A while back I wrote an article called 5 Lessons About Men You Can Learn from Toddlers and I was thrilled to hear how much it resonated with you. Believe it or not, some male behavior is pretty much encoded from birth, as I’m discovering while I raise these two little men of mine, and since more is revealed to me every day, I figured it was time for Part II.
5 (More) Lessons About Men You Can Learn from Little Boys
1. They need some time to themselves before talking about their day.
When
I first started picking my two sons up from preschool, I would buckle
them into their car seats, give them a Snack Trap of Goldfish crackers
and drive home, chirping away with questions:
So?!? How was your day, little cuties?
No answer.
Did you have music and movement today? Did you make any cool art projects?
Silence. My glance back in the rear view mirror was met with two blank stares.
I couldn’t get a word out of them no matter what I asked or how cheerfully I asked it.
Now,
granted, my kids are little guys, and 2 hours and 45 minutes of
glitter-gluing and “I’m a Little Teapot” is enough stimulation to send
them into a nap coma for the afternoon.
But
I was interested to learn from my mom friends with daughters that they
acted quite differently at the end of the day. The girls were usually
bursting with excitement to share stories about their classroom
adventures and proudly present the artwork from their backpacks.
This got me thinking of the brilliant Dr. John Gray and his classic book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, in
which he describes a man’s need to “retreat to his cave” (i.e. take a
time out to spend time alone and be silent) at the end of a stressful
day.
This can be difficult for women
to understand because we prefer to share the details of our day as a
means of processing our experiences. When we don’t realize that men
prefer the exact opposite, it can lead to hurt feelings.
The thing is, men do want to connect…they just need some time before they’re ready to do it.
Same
goes for my boys. I’ve learned to buckle them in, give them their
snack, and tell them I’m so glad to see them. Then we drive home
listening to some quiet music, they rest for a while on the couch, and
later – usually during dinner – they’ll freely offer up adorable
anecdotes about school.
Mom, did you know that Abe Lincoln didn’t have light bulbs? That he read his books by candlelight and didn’t even have an iPad?
Now
that’s the cute stuff I can wait all day to hear. Give your guy some
time (after work, school, or any kind of stressful day) and he’ll
willingly open up too.
2. Often, their needs are very basic.
When I was a new mom and my newborn would get fussy, I tended to panic.
What could he want? Am I doing something wrong?
It
didn’t take me long to realize that, with my baby, the source of his
unhappiness was usually one of 7 simple things: He’s hungry, he’s tired,
he’s got a wet diaper, he’s gassy, he’s bored, he wants to be held, he
wants me to put him down and stop waving that crazy hippo rattle in his
face.
I would run down the list and
try the different solutions (feed him, put him down for a nap, change
him, etc) and he would settle down in no time.
Even
though my kids are a little older (toddler+), not much has changed.
Like clockwork, around 10:30am, I’ll notice my boys starting to get
cranky. Ooops, I’ll think. I forgot to give them a snack. A
little dip in blood sugar is enough to send them into fits and
tantrums, and all it takes is a handful of raisins and a sippy cup of
water to restore order.
Have you ever
made yourself crazy wondering what it is your guy needs? He seems a
little “off,” you’re feeling disconnected and you just don’t know why.
Of course you have – that’s what we women do.
Now
next time you find yourself obsessing over what you might have said or
done to push him away, try thinking this instead: “His funky mood
probably has NOTHING to do with me.”
Just
like little boys, most of men’s needs are fairly simple: quiet time to
themselves (as discussed in #1), food, sleep, and uninterrupted time to
watch sports or shows like “Secrets of Seal Team 6″ on TV.
If
your guy is acting a little “fussy,” instead of bombarding him with
questions or asking for emotional reassurance – which will only drive
him further away – try doing something just for yourself that you enjoy.
Go for a jog with some upbeat music on your iPod. Grab an US Weekly and a big mug of tea and go lounge in another room to catch up on some gossip. Take a nap.
9 times out of 10 you’ll be surprised when you return, an hour or so later, how your man’s mood has shifted.
3. The harder you try to solve things when they’re angry, the more frustrated they get.
My
two year old is going through — you guessed it — the terrible twos.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s adorable — but man, can that kid throw a
tantrum. I’m talking throw-his-body-on-the-ground, bang-his-head,
pound-his-fists, scream-until-he-nearly-vomits type of tantrum.
I’ve
learned, through the countless parenting books I’ve suffered through,
that the tantrums are usually a result of frustration because the child
doesn’t have the vocabulary to effectively express what’s bothering him.
I’ve also learned, that the worst
thing I can do in this situation is to get in his face and say, “What’s
the matter honey? What can Mommy get you? You want that truck? Do you
need some milk? How about a hug?” It just makes him freak out even more.
The best thing I can do is to back off and let him work it out, and then when he’s calmed down, offer solutions.
The
same principle applies when I’m in a disagreement with my husband. If
he’s angry about something and our discussion escalates to a full-on
argument, it’s usually better for us to take a break and approach the
conversation again when we’ve both had a chance to calm down. Oh I could
talk until I’m blue in the face (and being the “never go to bed angry”
type, I’m always so eager to just FIX it already), but I’ve learned that
in those moments, he’s just not hearing me. And like my toddler, he
doesn’t have the words yet to come to the solution.
Better to save my breath until he’s ready.
4. They respond better when you give them two simple choices.
Hey guys! What do you want for breakfast? We have waffles, cereal, peanut butter toast, or oatmeal. Or there’s yogurt too! I’ll shout from the kitchen.
Why should I be shocked when I don’t get a reply from my two little sons? I lost them after “cereal.”
You know what works better? Waffles or cereal for breakfast, kids: You choose! They always have an answer.
On the flip side, not offering any choices causes resistance in my household too:
Me: Hey Noah, put your school clothes on, honey.
Noah: But I don’t want to wear the striped sweater! I want my Steamroller shirt!
Me: You wore you Steamroller shirt yesterday. Just put on the sweater.
Noah: NOOOOOOOOO!
So
now I offer two choices of complete outfits and he gets to “choose”
from those options. It makes getting ready for school go a lot more
smoothly.
How can you apply this to your relationship? In countless ways, from simple things like: What do you think, babe: Pizza or Chinese tonight? to complicated emotional matters, such as: I’m happy to continue to see other people, but I won’t get intimately involved unless we’re committed. Rather than putting down an ultimatum, you’re offering him a choice on the direction of the relationship.
Amazing how powerful the words “You choose” are to males of any age.
5. They’ll get affectionate on their own terms.
I’ll
admit it: I’m kind of a love bug. I’m very huggy and kissy, and there’s
no way anyone’s leaving the house without a big, “I love you!” That’s
just me.
My boys, on the other hand, need a little space.
They’re
not snugglers by nature and they’ll often squirm away from my embraces.
And you know what? They are people too, and it is absolutely their
right to set those physical boundaries. Of course a big bucket of
Matchbox Cars is going to look more fun than a cuddle with Mom. I get
it.
And it actually feels a lot more
special when — on his own terms — Ryan will come bounding over to me,
crawl up into my lap, and wrap his little arms around me. When Noah
tells me he loves me out of the blue — no coercion required — my heart
melts.
The same goes with men and
dating. If you’re a love bug like me, it can be a good idea to temper
that instinct to wear your heart on your sleeve from time to time. Not
every lounge on the couch has to be curled up together. Not every
bedtime has to involve spooning. And letting HIM say “I love you” first
can be very gratifying.
It’s usually
the days when I’m off to the gym at 6am, then at the coffee shop writing
all morning, then picking the kids up at school (without
talking), running off to playdates and forgetting to check my phone that
I’ll notice my husband can’t keep his hands off me when I get home.
“Where have you been all day?” he’ll ask, wrapping his arms around my waist. “I miss you!”
And
though I don’t mind stealing my hugs and kisses when I really need
them, I must admit that affection on his terms feels pretty darn good.
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